What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 12:03
I said to her
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I don,t even have a pension.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I will be 64.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Especially a lifetime of it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She found it foreign!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
How do I run away? I'm 15 and live in Oklahoma.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ive learnt so much.
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This is soul school!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Would this be the day?
How do you go about getting invited to an orgy?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
How many women have accidentally pooped their pants and became turned on afterwards?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
What’s the weirdest phone call you have ever received?
But it wasn’t much.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So whats the point in blame.
Did you ever accidentally have sex with your brother/sister in India?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My life is so biszare .
What did i know ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I have no regrets .
As i do to all so called friends.?
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
All the time i was locked up.
She loved him until the end.
I waited trembling.
Why did i forgive my father ?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And i lived it daily.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was scared of men, in general
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I think the readers, may guess!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He knew the spot.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So, i spoilt her more .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One cannot live in the past .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was seconnd youngest,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We all went to grammer schools
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My family never makes their pension either.
(And it was in our own minds.)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She wouldn,t have been !
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I write beautiful poetry .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We were not on the streets..
She was in good health!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Comes on , in middle age.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
When she asked me how she looked .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
It was going to be , some day.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was 9 years of age.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im still living with it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But, we were locked up after school.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Put me off passion for life!!
Who then, do I blame.?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She married twice! .
I was very sick at this time too.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.